Grief…….

42-21399411Last night my Parish had a “Service of Light”. Im loosely quoting from my Church bulletin here;  November in the Catholic Church is when we remember in a special way all those who have died. It’s one of my favorite months, and one of my favorite celebrations because of the intimacy of it. It’s very personal and oftentimes quite emotional. I learned that on a deeper level this year.

The feasts of All Saints and All Souls celebrate the great hope that we have as Christians that the new Life in Christ we receive in baptism is eternal Life that continues even after our earthly death. Last night, we  celebrated a special Mass in remembrance of parishioners who have died this past year. Among them was my Father In Law, and in fact his name was the first to be read aloud (only because they went by alphabetic order, but it was still a nice comfort).

When they call the name of your loved one, you walk to the Narthex, pick up the candle with his or her name on it, walked up to the altar and placed it on the steps in front of the altar. It was a really nice service, but bitter sweet at the same time. I wish we had not had a reason to be there, I wish we had more festive things to do at the time, I wish….I wish my Father In law was still with us….It’s not easy for me; I’m a really emotional guy, but I can’t be, I have to be strong for my Wife, my Mother in law, for my kids. When my wife starts crying, then my oldest son starts crying, then my MIL starts crying, and my youngest just get’s this far away look that I hate to see on such a sweet kid, and I have to be that proverbial rock. The other day I went to visit my FIL at his spot in the Columbarium. I don’t think I have cried that hard since his funeral.

42-23177357

What else could I do? I miss him so much,you know? Every time I see a really nice sized deer, or a flock of wild turkeys, I want to call him. He loved hearing about stuff like that, you could see the twinkle in his eyes, hear the spark in his voice, he ate it up, living vicariously through me and my boys. So we held it together, we lit his candle placed it on the steps of the altar and sang the songs, said the prayers,crossed ourselves and wished peace with our neighbors…But I still  feel that emptiness in my heart, and sometimes I don’t know what to do for it.

 

It does get better for me with time, but I’m not entirely sure I like that old adage….I mean, do I really want it to get better? Does that mean I’m becoming distanced from him? That some day I’ll forget how he laughed, or the sound of his voice? I don’t want to forget that, but I don’t want my wife in any more pain, it’s already bad enough, and it kills me when I hear her cry, because there’s nothing I can do for her..So I sing the songs, say the prayers, and cross my self in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and trust-and hope- for the best.

Advertisements

~ by keystone28 on 11/07/2009.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: